How to be the Life of the Garden Party: Make Fancy Dicks

Recently I was invited to my first garden party. I was shocked and fuckin’ flattered. The only thing I knew about garden parties was that people wear fancy hats.

What would I make for such a classy event? Thinking back to the fancy hats my mind naturally drifted to dick-shaped cookies with fancy hats.

Instructions:

Step 1: Be sure to sketch out a few ideas on paper before you commit it to a cookie someone is going to put in their mouth. Most people don’t like putting any ol’ dick in their mouth.

One piece of advice I can offer is to not sketch this out in the notebook you use at your place of employment. A loose leaf sheet of paper kept in the privacy of your home will suffice.

It all starts with inappropriate sketches.

Step 2: Make the best fuckin’ cookie dough. Then flatten the dough and cut out a dick with a fancy hat. I started with a dick cookie cutter and then used a sharp knife to carve the hat out around the heads.

You could also draw out a dick with a fancy hat on cardstock, cut the dick out, and then use it as a stencil with a sharp knife to make your dicks uniform.

Hats off to you, fancy dick!

Step 3: Decorate your fancy dicks. It’s always best to decorate piecemeal, so each piece can dry before you start on the next.

Decorate your dicks extra fancy!

Step 4: Take fucktacular pictures of your fancy dicks. I’m glad I made these fancy dicks just in time for bluebonnet season. These fancy dicks are truely Texans.

A fancy couple in a small field of bluebonnets.

 

Nice enough for an eHarmony profile picture. I’d date this dick.

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Dicks aren’t just for the bedroom and garden parties! Here are a few neat dicks you can make for several occasions:

• Christmas (The original cockies)
• Winter Holidays
• Thanksgiving
• Valentine’s
• One Year Old’s Birthday
• Graduation

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How to Make Carrots Unhealthy: Carrot Cupcakes

A cake made of carrots must be healthy as fuck, right? Wrong, asshole!

The Shit You Will Need:

• 4 flax eggs (4 tablespoons of ground flaxseed and 1/2 cup of water)
• 1 pound of carrots (get the colorful ones for shits n’ giggles)
• 2 1/2 cup of flour (gluten-free flour works too)
• 1 teaspoon each of baking powder and soda
• 1 teaspoon of salt
• 1 tablespoon of ground cinnamon
• 1/2 teaspoon each of ground nutmeg, cloves, and ginger
• 1 cup of granulated sugar
• 1 cup of light brown sugar
• 3/4 cup of coconut oil, melted
• 1 cup of chopped pecans or walnuts

How To Make This Shit:

1. Make the flax eggs by mixing the flaxseed and water. Place in a fridge for a few minutes, and then mix again. Once it is thick, that shit is ready to go.
2. Peel and shred the fuck out of the carrots.

Get the colorful carrots for shits n’ giggles.

3. Combine the flour, baking soda and powder, salt, cinnamon, cloves, ginger, and nutmeg.

4. Add the carrots you shredded the fuck out of to the flour.

Colorful shit here.

5. In a food processor, or with a mixer, mix the sugars and flax eggs until that shit is light n’ frothy as fuck.

6. Slowly add the oil to the mixture, until it is combined.

7. Mix this shit in with the carrot-flour mixture, until combined.

8. Add the nuts (*giggles about nuts*), but only if you fuckin’ feel like it.

9. Fill cupcake tins about 3/4 full.

10. Bake for about 15-20 minutes (or 30-40 minutes for a 9-inch cake) at 350 degrees Fahrenheit. A toothpick should come out clean as fuck when inserted in the middle and they should be a lil’ brown.

This batter is fuckin’ thick!

Mmmm…nuts.

11. Add some vegan cream cheese icing. Tittip: For extra flavor you can add some ground cinnamon and ginger to the icing.

Pretend you know how to decorate cupcakes!

Mother Fuckin’ Memories:

One of the first cakes I made was a carrot cake:

This cake looks like shit, but it came from a good place: my fuckin’ heart.

Now I have a better grasp of color contrast.

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Vegan Cream Cheese Icing 2 Ways

Are you sad because cream cheese icing isn’t vegan? Well, unfuck yourself and get happy because vegan cream cheese icing is not only possible but totally tits.

There are two ways to make this vegan shit. Each way is based on your level of laziness:

1. For the Lazy Fuckers: There are less ingredients this way.
2. For the Slightly Less Lazy Fuckers: Requires more ingredients and measuring, but it’s still pretty fuckin’ easy.

Use vegan cream cheese icing to write inspirational shit in perfect handwriting.

Way 1 – The Shit the Lazy Fuckers Will Need: 

• 1/2 cup vegan butter, softened
• 8 oz of vegan cream cheese, softened
• 3-4 cups of powdered sugar
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Way 2 – The Shit the Slightly Less Lazy Fuckers Will Need: 

• 1 cup of vegan butter, softened
• 3-4 cups of powdered sugar
• 1-3 tablespoons of vegan milk
• 1/2 tablespoon of apple cider vinegar
• 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
• 1/2 teaspoon of lemon juice
• 1/4 teaspoon of salt

Making This Shit (Both Type of Fuckers):

1. Cream the cream cheese and butter (or just butter, if you are a slightly less lazy fucker).
2. Put the remaining ingredients in the fuckin’ bowl and mix that shit until it is smooth.

TitTips:

• For both recipes, slowly add the powdered sugar to get the icing consistency you want. More powdered sugar = thicker icing.
• For both recipes, add more milk if you make it too fuckin’ thick. You shouldn’t need milk if you are a lazy fucker, but just in case you fuck this shit up and somehow make it too thick…

I use Kite Hill, which is way better than any cream cheese shit made from milk meant for a baby cow.

Mix that shit.

So fuckin’ smooth.

Put that shit on carrot cupcakes. Or a spoon. Or your finger.

Watch and take pictures as your cat rudely steals your icing. No reason to stop him…

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Peanut Butter Bars In 6 Easy-As-Fuck Steps

<Insert long-ass story about these peanut butter bars curing my cockatoo’s cancer AND my grandfather’s erectile dysfunction.>

You are going to want to eat this fucktacular shit everyday damn day!

The Shit Needed:

• 1 16oz jar of peanut butter (no added sugar or oil)
• 1/4 cup liquid sweetener (maple syrup, agave, or I use VitaFiber)
• 1/2 cup coconut flour
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 cup vegan chocolate chips (OR 1 cup of baking chocolate and 1/3 cup of sweetener to make this shit sugar-free)

How to Make This Shit:

1. Mix 1 cup of peanut butter, the sweetener, vanilla, and the coconut flour until thoroughly combined.
2. Press that shit in an 8×8 inch pan, preferably with some waxed paper so it comes out easy.
3. Then put that shit in the fridge.

Bear is displeased with this pitiful offering.

4. Now melt the chocolate chips, or baking chocolate and sweetener (I use xylitol) with the remaining peanut butter (about half a cup) until that shit is smooth.

Melt that shit!

Keep melting that shit!

You’re not done yet, fucker!

This shit still isn’t smooth.

It could be a little fuckin’ smoother.

Not yet, shithead.

Now it’s finally melted and smooth as fuck.

5. Pour the melted chocolate over your peanut butter layer.

Artfully pour the melted chocolate over your peanut butter layer.

6. Put that shit in the fridge for a couple of hours until it is set, and then cut that shit into squares.

A mother fuckin’ tower of peanut butter bars!

Tower of peanut butter bars to offer the sleeping cat.

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Dicks for Grads!

Do you have friends or family that are graduating soon? Wondering what to get that cocky grad? A dick!

Here are a couple of fucktacular recipes you should use to make your grad cocks:

• Spicy Chocolate Cocks
• The Best Damn Sugar Cookies

The shit you’ll need for the grad decorations:

• Vegan white chocolate chips
• Vegan semi-sweet chocolate chips
• Graduation candy molds
• Coconut oil (or other oil of your choosing)
• Food colors of your choosing

How to Make This Shit:

1. Make your dicks from the recipes above, or use your own sturdy cookie recipe. (Remember, your dicks will need to be hard to hold the candy decorations you’ll be putting on them. Hard dicks only.)
2. Don’t forget to have a bit of cheeky fun while making your dick cookies.

Get creative.

3. Make a giant pile of dicks because making a giant pile of dicks is more impressive than making a small pile of dicks.

Make a pile of dicks, take a stunning picture, and post on Instagram.

4. Clean off the grad molds.

We both know your friend isn’t the #1 grad, but they’ll feel like it with some dick (cookies) in their mouth.

5. Melt some white chocolate with a little bit of oil, and mix in a few drops of the food coloring of your choice.

6. Start with your first color. Let that first color harden. TitTip: It hardens faster in the fridge.

I did this with my cock.

7. Add on your next color to fill the mold, and let that shit harden.

8. Make a fuckton of these little candies because you have a lot of grad cocks.

I’m pretty shitty at lighting and taking pictures. The right is a pile of grad hats on a black plate.

9. Use a bit of melty chocolate as glue to keep the candies on the cocks.

Now your lil’ cock looks successful.

10. Put all of your cookies in a giant container and marvel at all the cocks you created.

So many dicks! How many can you fit in your mouth at once?!

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